(This is going to be the penultimate chapter of a rather unimpressive and boring saga of love of a mediocre person, in the process of rediscovering himself.....)
Hmmm......Oh!! Yeah those were the unforgettable moments in my life, when i never realized how insane and nerdy i was, but enjoyed my life to its full. So up to tenth class i was quite pleased with the way things were going. On the last day of our class i dropped her home for the last time and there went the opportune moment.I feel she loved me too, perhaps that's my own conscience telling me or rather consoling me; for such sensual and merry an angel, chattering away into some unknown realm of blissful forgetfulness, i can only dream of beholding as my other half.I never told her, "I love you...", because i thought she knew it well and she would be the first to ask me of it(how foolish and naive!!!!, I regret it even now.....).
The next two years, i reckon, were living hell for me. I didn't realize that then but when i look back down the memory lane i find myself in no man's land not knowing himself but pretending to be the one and only. I was a damn sicko!!. During the long vacation that followed the 10th board i cherished the sweetest memoirs she gave me (couldn't contact her 'cause i was stuck up in my native place).I was kinda making myself fall in love, forcibly thinking i was in love with her.(I still don't know if i really loved her or not but......damn i just can't get her outta my head, i feel like....like crying....sob sob... :(( )In those two months a lot changed.
I became very self conscious, as now i had a girl to impress. A big blunder i believe from my part, the biggest ever because i didn't know who i was and then becoming conscious of oneself can be disastrous.Also i din't know what love was at all, not that i know it now but certaily now i know what is not love .Her friends list grew and i felt out of place because there was a time when i was her only male acquaintance or may be one of the very few. I wanted her to be mine and mine alone. She was like a piece of my heart. And amidst all the overflow of emotions the last thing i wanted was to lose my friends. I didn't want to be close those who were close to her.
Yes..now i know what happened to me in those deciding couple of years and this has cost me a lot many friends and my dear soul. Mad in love and desperate in solitude, i punished myself for my lack of confidence and passionately wild possessiveness.No point in blaming someone for my loss or calling people anti-heroes.Only I'm to be blamed for what has happened to me, i just missed the broader perspective of life. I lost her and that's a sorry fact i may brood over perhaps to the end of my life.Had i been a little more confident and open-minded i could have been the proud owner of a lovely heart.But alas!! may be this is what we all call destiny fate etc etc.......I may still have a part to play in her life, you never know,my last ray of hope.
(i don't know if i really felt "love" for her or not, but still i find her lurking amongst the woods, beckoning me to join her to chop off the sorrows of life and be with her forever....)
i don't quite know, how to say, how i feel...'SNOW PATROL'(to be continued.....)
This is the second chapter...