Confession

It all started when I was sixteen. My family was visiting one of my mother’s friends. It was the first time I saw her. And oh! She was beautiful.

My father was talking. Her father was talking. The mothers were in the kitchen. She sat there opposite to me. She was happily listening to the fathers talking. I didn’t understand why she wasn’t in the kitchen with the ladies. I didn’t understand why she was sitting opposite to me, but then, it was just the beginning of things I didn’t understand.

I knew that her name was Soumya. That she had just joined for electronics in CET. Don’t misunderstand me. It wasn’t love at first sight, or anything like that. There she was, all perfect…..beautiful, smart, intelligent…. Who was I to love her? It was just appreciation then.

Days after the visit, no matter what I did, the only thing I could see was her face. Everywhere! The only one I could think about was her. And yes, those days presented me with the most beautiful dreams of my life.

I needed to see her again. But there was no mention of another visit. Gradually, I felt that it was all up to me. That sparked off two years of hard work. I needed to get into CET. I worked and I worked. There was broken friendships and suffering. But all I could see was an angel, standing at a distance, her halo the only glimmer of light that guided me.

There was no one to whom I could confess. It was too precious a secret….. My secret…

Then there was two years of bliss I got into CET.

I didn’t see her for the first three months. I didn’t have to go looking for her. I just needed to know…. To know that she was there, near me.

I came to know that she was quite famous among the guys. The first time I saw her I wasn’t alone. I was with my friends. I just needed a glance. To see she was beautiful. To see everything was as it should be. Perfect. And I played along with my friends.

Everything went on fine. Until…..

She was about to complete her course and it was time for me to let go . Only a few days left! It was the last series exams of the semester. I just wrote each exam for an hour. Marks weren’t a priority. I knew she would leave early. I waited. I saw her. It was the first time seeing her hadn’t brought a smile to my face.

And she left…..

I don’t know what more is left. It is all over and I am tired. My mask sustains me, but I am withered inside.

She didn’t know me. To her I am just one of her admirers. And it will stay that way.

I have told my friends that I have had three crushes. I didn’t name the last one. But it was not a crush… not even love….. but something ….. something I don’t understand.